My name is Kyle.
I saw Bill Gates present his new tax-paying love machine called the Xbone. After he finished his presentation by showing us HYPER-REALISTIC pictures of dead babies, all of the demons in the crowd sung of the wonders Hypersoft would bring us. I believed the hype.
666 years later, I went to my local Publix, the first museum for pubes, to buy one. The old man working alone there gave me one for the low low price of 666,666,666 thousand dollars. One thing that made me slightly uneasy was the box glowing red, with blood leaking out. I didn't want to be rude to the old man now floating in circles, so I took it home anyway. I was so excited that I threw my head at passers-by, and they winked and gave me thumbs up.
I think you can understand my excitement; I was a huge XBAX fan, just like everyone else in the universe. But I wasn't Commander Keen on keeping up with gaming news, so I made one fatal mistake.
I ran home, decapitating anybody who got in my way. As soon as I stepped onto the comforting familiarity of my carpet made out of orphan skin, I threw the box at my television, causing the Kinect (also known as stupid gimickey idiocy) eye to glow red. After turning the system on and getting familiar with the interfeces, I got up to get my game that I bought from GameFlop before I got the console. The game was called "The Square Enix Chronicles XIII: POINTLESS RELIGIOUS PROPERTIES." After unscrewing the box to put the game in, I sat down on my cat-skin couch, getting ready for the epic may-mays to spray from my every pore.
The title screen blinked for a second, and in that one second I was able to describe every detail about it: blood, blood, and the main protagobitch with her eyes leaking blood.
I thought it was just a glitch, so I continued.
And then I saw something that made me freak out...
The main menu was missing the EXTRAS OPTION!
And as I was having a tantrum on the floor, the system's main mechanic finally activated.
You see, the fatal flaw I made was that...
THE GAME I GOT FROM GAMEFLOP WAS USED!
The console proceeded to spit acid into my eyes and castrate me with its robotic claw.
And now that I am a slave in the chambers of HyperSoft headquarters, I give you one last message...
"12/10 Like Skyrim with guns" -IGNSTD